![]() He leaves to go nowhere in particular, since he basically has no goal. Yes, apparently I wouldn't put it past myself to have killed what appeared to be children. JOHN RHYS-DAVIES, ORLANDO BLOOM, and VIGGO MORTENSEN run into KARL URBAN and his SMALL BAND OF PURPOSELESS SOLDIERS. They ride a slow-moving tree and don't ever seem to stop. Only on the condition that everyone forgets that, if this were any other film, you would all think talking trees were stupid and childish, which they are. Well, you could let us ride you back and forth around the woods for the duration of this film, so that semi-interesting scenes can be interrupted needlessly to show the audience that we, indeed, are still riding a goddamn talking tree. BILLY and DOMINIC enter the woods, where they discover a GODDAMN TALKING TREE. SUDDENLY KARL URBAN and his BAND OF PURPOSELESS SOLDIERS storm in and kill EVERYONE. That's barbaric! Let's just eat their legs! That will surely feed at least half of one of us. I will lead you to Mordor.īILLY BOYD and DOMINIC MONAGHAN are being mistreated by THE EVIL ORCS who kidnapped them, while JOHN RHYS-DAVIES, ORLANDO BLOOM, and VIGGO MORTENSEN are on the trail, slowed down by the inappropriate comedy of JOHN'S inability to run. ![]() I want the ring, but more importantly, I want to be loved. I speak in a really obnoxious manner and exist to apparently only slow the movie down and add occasional attempts at humor.īut this is entirely unlike Jar Jar, who sucks! Give this man some awards! Oh, well don't worry, our epic uses CGI only when crucial, and it tends to do so in subtle ways - mostly for rendering enormous crowds of people and vivid landscapes never for something that the audience would really focus on. ![]() I dreamed that I was the star in an epic adventure story that reduced itself to a just another mindless CGI cartoon by the second part. What is it, Elijah? Your constant expression of infinite worry appears slightly more defined than usual. The scene goes on forever, only to end abruptly with.Īhh! CGI! Everywhere! The destruction of modern cinema! At a time when film heroes are replaced with CGI models, it sure is nice to sit and watch a movie which doesn't feel mostly like a 3D cartoon.ĬGI IAN MCKELLEN plummets into the abyss below, riding CGI FIRE MONSTER in a ridiculous, cartoony way. We pan quickly over the interior of the cave in which IAN MCKELLEN DIED and watch him fight the FIRE DEMON THING.īoy, I sure am excited about this movie. ![]()
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